I’ve have now crossed another Mommy Milestone and, unfortunately for you, I have to share it with everyone! Have you ever watched your child consume massive amounts of sugary substances at a party or gathering and wondered ,with dread, how it would present itself later? Because you know… what goes in…must come out. I have crossed that line. Or more like, my daughter has crossed a line that I believe no parent should ever have to tip toe over.

Not that I’m in the habit of sharing such personal information with you, nor do I ever really want to again, but I can’t resist sharing with you “The End Results!” (Imagine this line being said in a deep, thundering, dramatic voice.) Because “The End Results” had me twisting in agony, and intermittently laughing my head off all while gagging. And “The End Results” had my daughter twisting herself into a pretzil so she could see what was so funny at her other end.

Have I given you enough details yet to make you curious enough to be willing to see what I have to share with you?

Well, hold your proverbal breath ya’ll cuz I’ve got a treat for you!

Apparently when you feed your offspring enough of this…

Then they will eventully give you this…

Yes indeed. My child did shit shamrocks.

Did you really think I’d give you a clear shot of the unfortunate diaper gift? I’m not that cruel.
I mean really, do I need to elaborate further? Are you signifigantly grosed out while simutainiously laughing your asses off? Then you know how I felt. Please also use your imaginations to picture a cute little hiney stained green. Yes, my daughter has a green arse. I know there’s a joke in there somewhere but I just can’t find it. Yep, another Mommy Milestone crossed and another Mommy Milestone that really didn’t need to be turned over. Please, please, please daughter!! Learn to use the potty before you start shitting rainbows! I don’t think I could handle that.

Nope, I’ve been back here on planet Joy.  Feet firmly planted in the reality that is my daily life.  I bet many of you were thinking I’d totally abandoned you.  And in a way I did.  Sorry, I’m an honest gal.  I love you all but…. Ya know…. You folks read what I rant but you don’t cook my dinners, vacuum my house, and wipe my kids butt.  (And if you wanted to come do all of the above I would let you… I could even maybe pay you… Do Peanut M&M’s count as currency in the real world outside of my casa?)  When you write a blog like mine there are so many times that life just gets in the way and you just have to put the unicorn readers (mythical creatures I believe in) on a shelf somewhere in your mind and focus on other things.  Life’s been traveling at a whirl wind pace for me and my family the last couple months and its been hard to even catch my breath let alone catch a break to write.  I wake up at the butt crack of dawn with a post idea in my head but then real life hits me and I hit the ground running hoping to catch up.

That’s why I’ve decided the best way to sum up whats been happening since mid June, which was the last time I visited your heads, is in bullet points!  YAY! I can almost feel your excitement traveling through the internets my directions! WHeee!   Don’t cha’ just love bullet points?  They read almost as fast as my brain and feet have been carrying me so hop on!

But don’t worry, I won’t leave you just to a few bullet points to lull over.  I’ve never been accused of being short winded and I have a lot to say about each point and I hope to expand on each of them in the coming days.  So think of each point as not a quick way for me to get back into your good graces and into your daily list of those blogs you can’t live without reading everyday (OK, I lie, please feel free to think of it like that if you want) but as a way to give you exciting trailers.  Like in an upcoming block buster movie. (Because you know my life is THAT exciting!)

• Still trying to sell our house.  Sigh.     Constant cleaning…. Keeping things “show ready”… At all times… With a 2 YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE!!   Everyday I look at the mess my little tornado baby makes and sigh the sigh of a thousand house fraus, but with an underlying tone of a whimper, because I know there is no way I can just leave that mess till the next day.  Because if I do, that will be when we get the call to show our house. And that will be the call that says, we’re only 30 minutes away… Is that OK?  Snarl, grrr, @%&&$##@…. POOP!   Sure! I say with my most chipper voice.  As I run around like a chicken with my head cut off tossing things into any available hidy hole, where they won’t leave an obvious lump, and where I’ll be guaranteed to forget later and never be able to find them again.  Still can’t find a few really important pieces of mail… so if you didn’t get paid yet its because your bill is sitting somewhere in some cabinet or drawer or box or toy bin… or possibly under the couch cushion.  When I find it I promise I’ll take care of it.
• Still potty training.  Sigh.      I have come to the conclusion that pull-ups are useless and only are diapers that are more complicated to use and more expensive.  I can’t see what lesson they are supposed to teach. They are too thick for my daughter to actually “pull up” on her own.  They are almost impossible for me to pull up on her even.  You NEVER want to pull a really dirty one off, lest you smoosh unmentionable all down your child’s legs…. URP!  So you end up opening it like a diaper anyways, teaching your kid that even though they are supposed to pee sitting upright your obsessive mom will still lay you down to wipe your butt.  I’m currently in between rounds of trying using regular panties but had to stop the first time do to running out of laundry detergent.  Who knew a puddle on the floor could be so comfortable?  And apparently my daughter finds said puddle to be a great addition to her finger paints.  Oh! And I never realized her favorite place to poo was while sitting on the couch watching TV.  Clean up! Isle 9?….. Anyone???  Hello??? Can you hear me????????
• On a brighter note!  (Because they can’t be all messy right?) I was invited by the wonder people at Sea World to take the family to Sea World San Antonio with a great group of Texas Mommy Bloggers called the Wildside!  If you want to read some great tweets from this group search for #wildside or #swsa on Twitter.  I can’t wait to share with you all the fun details on that exciting experience!!!  I won’t ruin it for you but I will say this… My daughter can’t stop saying Shamu!  Comes out more like “Shmoo” but it tickles my heart each time just the same!
• While everyone who’s anyone in the bloggosphere, not really but its fun to say, were at BlogHer 2010 this weekend I was fighting it out on a blistering hot tennis court in Dallas!  Remember a while back I said my woman’s team was going to state to battle for a trip to Nationals!?! Well, we battled and we went all the way to the finals only to lose to another really great team.  Technically you can say our team is the number 2 ranked woman’s tennis team in the state of Texas! We played 5 matches in 3 days.  We only had the minimum amount of players we needed, which was 8, which meant everyone had to play each round so it was exhausting! But it was an amazing experience!  I can’t wait to share more on that one later….  As a teaser I’ll just say, when you get that many competitive woman in one spot, all vying for the same shot to go to Nationals, you can only imagine the fireworks. Can you say drama anyone?
• We got our garage door fixed!!! YAY!  My daughter won’t let us leave the driveway or go into the house without closing the door so she can watch.  She will stop dead in her tracks or scream from the back seat. “Ka-lose it!”  But whats funny is that even though she knows its coming she will still startle and jump when the little motor starts running.  Tis cute!
• Hmmmm… What else?  Its hot as a broken oven in nuclear mode here in central Texas… I’m a hormonal nightmare right now because I ran out of my birth control pills and decided to go off them till my oh so fun gyno appointment in a week since where I’ll be changing them anyway.  Hated them…  So now I’m avoiding my husband.  Can’t tell which is better sometimes…   Debating trying the panty potty training again but hesitating because of the mess.  I just know she will poop on the rug at the same time a realtor will call from my driveway saying “We were just driving by… do you mind?” &$%^*%!!  I have about a thousand photos to process and look at from the last few bullet points and have been avoiding them due to lack of interest and lack of time for sitting in one spot that long.  Besides, its difficult to look at a photo when your kid is jumping on your laptop.  Really…difficult.
• Sigh

So there you have it folks.  My last two months in bullet points. Add to that the constant laundry, the trips to the grocery store, the pool, the library, this direction, that direction, up, down, left, right. All the while melting in the heat.  I’m one step away from that woman in the old Calgon commercials (click link to go back in time!!) except the idea of a hot bath tub is revolting at this point…. “Take me away…”

OK, again for comic effect…Ewwwww!

I thought now that we had a better handle on when EJ did the deed, and have been able to plan accordingly with bath times around her “schedule”, we would escape this nightmare. But I wasn’t so lucky.  I guess the warm cozy bath just influenced her too much.  What made this even better, NOT, was that I just dumped in her bath a whole bunch more of the little foam numbers and letters that stick to the edge of the tub…and oh lucky me… poop sticks to them!

Ewwwww!

There I was, with her standing, holding her up by her arm in the “Mommy Death Grip”.  You know the one I’m talking about. Where there is absolutely no wiggling or prying their way out of your grip, yet doesn’t hurt.  Ya, that one.  Anyways, there I was with her standing in the tub with the Mommy grip on her so she won’t try to sit back down.  Because… Ewwwww!  Trying to formulate a plan and trying desperately not to let go of a string of  words so vile she might just poop again out of fear. That or learn some of it and have her repeat it the next time we are in the grocery store close to the stand where they are doing the cooking demonstrations over the loud speaker.

WHAT DO I DO NOW???

I have a poop filled tub. A baby that looks remarkably clean considering, but I just know is covered in… Ewwwww.  But wait!  We have a shower in our other bathroom… with a spray handle! Bingo! So not only did my daughter experience her first tub poop she also got to experience her first shower. The shower being the highlight of this whole event.  She really liked it. Hmmm.  I think we will be using that method more often….

But I digress. After I get her clean as I can, washing her twice until she was squeaky, I then proceed to cleaning the tub and all those poop covered foam numbers and letters. Can I get another Ewwwww!

Thanks to hubby we just bought a big jug of bleach. YEAH!  Something went right after all.  Except now my nostrils feel like I shoved a Q-tip dipped in bleach up both of them.  But my tub and all those stupid foam numbers and letters are clean.  You could eat out of my tub and use the “J” for a spoon.  But even with my tub being so clean I’m afraid I can’t look at it the same.  It’s been defiled in the worst way.

So I have some questions for all you moms out there who have hit the Ewwwww milestones before. First, will I EVER be able to look at my tub the same way?  Cuz, IT’S BEEN POOPED IN YA’LL!!! Second, did you freak out or are you one of those cool cookies that can handle the Ewwwww factor and, if so, how do you handle it so well? And lastly, how did you clean it up cuz I’m thinking I went maybe just a teeny tiny bit over board with the bleach. Like as in we need a new jug of bleach and I’m pretty sure I also have the cleanest septic tank this side of the Mason Dixon Line.

Today my dear, sweet, precious, delicate daughter gave a small cute little giggle before turning beet red and giving me the memory and load of a lifetime.  We’re talking a 15 wet wipe poop here!  (Yes, I’m nuts, I counted. 3 is normal.)  Fortunately, we were anticipating a minor war zone since her little tummy still hasn’t completely come back to normal since she decided to catch and spread her vile pestilence.  We’ve been putting plastic pants, normally used with cloth diapers, over her regular diaper to contain some of the left over dredges.  But that had finally slowed down.  Then it came to a full on stop…for almost two days.  We knew we were in for trouble.  BUT THIS!!! This I should have video taped so one day I could pull it out when she brings home the man she wants to marry.  

I guess I’ll end the details there.  I don’t really need to go further into this for everyone, even the non-parents understand where I’m going and all the parental units are rolling their eyes saying “been there done that a few times”.  I just wanted you all to know that I’ve now joined the REAL mommy’s club.

I hope everyone has had and is still having a peaceful holiday.  So far we’ve been pretty low key on our home front.  No giant blow outs where two family members gang up on one.  Not too much talking behind each others back.  The men folk haven’t even had to hide as often as they used to to make sure they didn’t get hit with any flying knives.  That’s the trend at most of our family functions.  As many of you know, when you have a family with all girls and a strong willed mom whom raised all the girls to be pains in the asses too, it can get pretty volatile around the holidays.  In times past I remember plenty of objects getting “accidentally” tossed at each other and even some minor hair pulling.  But most commonly, lots and lots of screaming and yelling.  Even in the times when the number of men have outnumbered the women, it seemed like the ratio for turbulence was still higher on our side.  Husbands, boyfriends, and nephews either didn’t have the courage or were just too smart to get involved in our blow ups. I know we women can get really, really scary.  Picture in your mind the image of the sweet and innocent female suddenly turning into a bitter and evil medusa. If I were a man in this family I’d be hiding under the porch in the backyard too praying that the women didn’t catch their scent.  But as I said, this year has been different… so far.  I think it’s EJ.  It’s really hard to spit fire and nails when there is a perky little face smiling at you with her little dimple.  Kinda takes the heat out of most situations.  Either she will smile, squeal, cry or start grunting and turning purple which is seems to be cause for everyone to stop talking so we can watch her poop.  I can’t wait to tell her the stories of her first Christmas.  

Here’s a nice picture of her Christmas morning.  She found that it was a waste of time to open the gift first to get to that yummy paper. 

Yummy, snarf snarf, mmmmm paper!