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NOT another new Blogher post…

Don’t cha’ love my title?  Thought it might get attention considering everywhere I look I see the envious posts of wonderful bloggers who got to spend their time this past weekend elbow rubbing and spewing out business cards like pinata candy to every eagerly awaiting hand that passes by.  Watching the halls, looking at all the faces, hoping to see a bright star from the mythical world of the internet.  Tweeting locations such as: “I’m in the hall and I think I just saw @……!!”  Only to find out it was only @…..

Nope, I’ve been back here on planet Joy.  Feet firmly planted in the reality that is my daily life.  I bet many of you were thinking I’d totally abandoned you.  And in a way I did.  Sorry, I’m an honest gal.  I love you all but…. Ya know…. You folks read what I rant but you don’t cook my dinners, vacuum my house, and wipe my kids butt.  (And if you wanted to come do all of the above I would let you… I could even maybe pay you… Do Peanut M&M’s count as currency in the real world outside of my casa?)  When you write a blog like mine there are so many times that life just gets in the way and you just have to put the unicorn readers (mythical creatures I believe in) on a shelf somewhere in your mind and focus on other things.  Life’s been traveling at a whirl wind pace for me and my family the last couple months and its been hard to even catch my breath let alone catch a break to write.  I wake up at the butt crack of dawn with a post idea in my head but then real life hits me and I hit the ground running hoping to catch up.

That’s why I’ve decided the best way to sum up whats been happening since mid June, which was the last time I visited your heads, is in bullet points!  YAY! I can almost feel your excitement traveling through the internets my directions! WHeee!   Don’t cha’ just love bullet points?  They read almost as fast as my brain and feet have been carrying me so hop on!

But don’t worry, I won’t leave you just to a few bullet points to lull over.  I’ve never been accused of being short winded and I have a lot to say about each point and I hope to expand on each of them in the coming days.  So think of each point as not a quick way for me to get back into your good graces and into your daily list of those blogs you can’t live without reading everyday (OK, I lie, please feel free to think of it like that if you want) but as a way to give you exciting trailers.  Like in an upcoming block buster movie. (Because you know my life is THAT exciting!)

  • Still trying to sell our house.  Sigh.     Constant cleaning…. Keeping things “show ready”… At all times… With a 2 YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE!!   Everyday I look at the mess my little tornado baby makes and sigh the sigh of a thousand house fraus, but with an underlying tone of a whimper, because I know there is no way I can just leave that mess till the next day.  Because if I do, that will be when we get the call to show our house. And that will be the call that says, we’re only 30 minutes away… Is that OK?  Snarl, grrr, @%&&$##@…. POOP!   Sure! I say with my most chipper voice.  As I run around like a chicken with my head cut off tossing things into any available hidy hole, where they won’t leave an obvious lump, and where I’ll be guaranteed to forget later and never be able to find them again.  Still can’t find a few really important pieces of mail… so if you didn’t get paid yet its because your bill is sitting somewhere in some cabinet or drawer or box or toy bin… or possibly under the couch cushion.  When I find it I promise I’ll take care of it.
  • Still potty training.  Sigh.      I have come to the conclusion that pull-ups are useless and only are diapers that are more complicated to use and more expensive.  I can’t see what lesson they are supposed to teach. They are too thick for my daughter to actually “pull up” on her own.  They are almost impossible for me to pull up on her even.  You NEVER want to pull a really dirty one off, lest you smoosh unmentionable all down your child’s legs…. URP!  So you end up opening it like a diaper anyways, teaching your kid that even though they are supposed to pee sitting upright your obsessive mom will still lay you down to wipe your butt.  I’m currently in between rounds of trying using regular panties but had to stop the first time do to running out of laundry detergent.  Who knew a puddle on the floor could be so comfortable?  And apparently my daughter finds said puddle to be a great addition to her finger paints.  Oh! And I never realized her favorite place to poo was while sitting on the couch watching TV.  Clean up! Isle 9?….. Anyone???  Hello??? Can you hear me????????
  • On a brighter note!  (Because they can’t be all messy right?) I was invited by the wonder people at Sea World to take the family to Sea World San Antonio with a great group of Texas Mommy Bloggers called the Wildside!  If you want to read some great tweets from this group search for #wildside or #swsa on Twitter.  I can’t wait to share with you all the fun details on that exciting experience!!!  I won’t ruin it for you but I will say this… My daughter can’t stop saying Shamu!  Comes out more like “Shmoo” but it tickles my heart each time just the same!
  • While everyone who’s anyone in the bloggosphere, not really but its fun to say, were at BlogHer 2010 this weekend I was fighting it out on a blistering hot tennis court in Dallas!  Remember a while back I said my woman’s team was going to state to battle for a trip to Nationals!?! Well, we battled and we went all the way to the finals only to lose to another really great team.  Technically you can say our team is the number 2 ranked woman’s tennis team in the state of Texas! We played 5 matches in 3 days.  We only had the minimum amount of players we needed, which was 8, which meant everyone had to play each round so it was exhausting! But it was an amazing experience!  I can’t wait to share more on that one later….  As a teaser I’ll just say, when you get that many competitive woman in one spot, all vying for the same shot to go to Nationals, you can only imagine the fireworks. Can you say drama anyone?
  • We got our garage door fixed!!! YAY!  My daughter won’t let us leave the driveway or go into the house without closing the door so she can watch.  She will stop dead in her tracks or scream from the back seat. “Ka-lose it!”  But whats funny is that even though she knows its coming she will still startle and jump when the little motor starts running.  Tis cute!
  • Hmmmm… What else?  Its hot as a broken oven in nuclear mode here in central Texas… I’m a hormonal nightmare right now because I ran out of my birth control pills and decided to go off them till my oh so fun gyno appointment in a week since where I’ll be changing them anyway.  Hated them…  So now I’m avoiding my husband.  Can’t tell which is better sometimes…   Debating trying the panty potty training again but hesitating because of the mess.  I just know she will poop on the rug at the same time a realtor will call from my driveway saying “We were just driving by… do you mind?” &$%^*%!!  I have about a thousand photos to process and look at from the last few bullet points and have been avoiding them due to lack of interest and lack of time for sitting in one spot that long.  Besides, its difficult to look at a photo when your kid is jumping on your laptop.  Really…difficult.
  • Sigh

So there you have it folks.  My last two months in bullet points. Add to that the constant laundry, the trips to the grocery store, the pool, the library, this direction, that direction, up, down, left, right. All the while melting in the heat.  I’m one step away from that woman in the old Calgon commercials (click link to go back in time!!) except the idea of a hot bath tub is revolting at this point…. “Take me away…”

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Wordless/ful Wednesday #32 Is My 2 Year Old On LSD Or What?

Hello world!

I’mmm baa-ack!

Well…. Kinda.

I’m back from another successful swim in the redneck gene pool.  Yes folks, I survived it! All without loosing too many brain cells to the pack and I had a wonderful time in the process.  But since the day I came home its been non stop laundry, dishes, housework, kid chasing , etc.  Just trying to get caught up again. You all know the drill.  So that’s where I’ve been hiding.  Instead of finding me lounging on my wonderful chair with a beer in my hand I’m buried under a mountain of laundry that smells like that sweaty beer.  For every ying there is a yang I’m afraid.  And for every great Mommy’s Joy post, even the shortest like this one, there must also be an end.  And also because my laundry pile is starting to throw dirty underwear at me…  Oh wait! That’s my daughter buried under there!  I was wondering where she went….  So for now my loyal readers, and not so loyal but new eyes that stopped in to peep, adios!  I shall return soon with more tails from the unusually vertical family tree.

Oh! And here’s a picture of EJ at her finest while camping.  She walked around like that for almost 20 minutes making fish lips at everyone and posing for cameras.  I kept looking for the LSD she was hiding because seriously!!  Those goggles make me see iridescent hot pink stars every time I look out of the them and its just about the trippiest thing you could imagine.

Smiles!

For a more Wordless Wednesday go to 5 Minutes For Mom or Wordless Wednesday.com

And if you’re a fan of my Wordless/ful Wednesdaysplease show your love by letting Twitter know! It would be greatly appreciated and will bring you good Karma!!

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Camping “Light”

Well all, I’m here! Kicked back and taking it easy. Nothing tragic to report other than a port-o-pot that is practically over flowing. (Note-I have my own private potty in my camper to fall back on. I’m spoiled whatcanisay?)
Yep liven the good life. Letting all the normal daily stresses roll off like sweat down my beer can. EJ is happy because she can spend the day wet from head to toe and I could care less. And her aunts keep giving her an endless supply of brownies.
Happy mom…happy kid…
Calgons got nuthin’ on this!
I’ve never posted pictures from my phone so I hope they work out. If not I’ll repost em’ when I return to planet mom.
One photo is of our camp. Another is of the chair where I’m living. And then there is the close up picture of “Fred” my plastic dino that protects my chair when I get up to get another beer.
Cheers!

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Top 10 Rules For Camp Ben

You know when you go camping anywhere in America each camp ground has it’s own set of rules that they hold dear. And as a good little camper and a good American you want to respect and follow those rules.  Even Camp Ben has a few Rules that are VERY important for the health, safety and fun of all the campers.

Here we go.  The top 10 rules you must follow when attending Camp Ben*.

10.  Make sure you place the really toxic gallon jug of pre-mixed but not iced (therefore not watered down slightly) purple hooters on the top of your cooler before you go to bed.  That way when your neighboring teenager, aka. beer thief, sneaks in they will think they hit the mother load. And then the mother load will hit them about 30 minutes later.

9. Always be armed with weapons against dive bombing June bugs.  I have found a nice solid paper plate works well for swatting at those little bastards. However, in recent years we have also invested in a handheld device that fries bugs on contact.  Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. Oh, yaaaa!

8. Walking to your neighbors camp is just not done. The proper way to approach another camp site is by piling into the back of a truck with coolers and lawn chairs. Much better than dragging them over that long 50 yards.  And be sure to hang on tight… see Rule number 7.

7.  When driving a truck load of drunken idiots to the next camp site for visitin’ be sure to slam on your breaks a few time yelling “squirrel” or “coon”.   Also, you get bonus points for going air born over any speed bumps that might cross your path.

6. When visitin’ another camp site always make sure you bring an extra beer to share so as to not seem selfish. Selfish people wake up naked duct taped to lawn chairs in the middle of the camp grounds.

5.  Watch out for drunken red-neck golf cart jockeys.

4.  If you do something entirely too offensive in the shared camp port-o-pot be sure to follow your friend to the potty and block the door from them making a quick exit.  Makes for a nice story later.

3.  And be sure to pick a victim every year for a port-o-rockin’ !!! Possibly the same person who you tortured in Rule number 4.

2.  When filling water balloons for the big water balloon fight it is every Camp Ben-ners sworn duty to rocket launch a few over the fence at the snots from the banquet hall. Cuz they’re snots. (If anyone “official” just read this please disregard. We would never really do something like this…… except accidentally when our launchers misbehave and force us to shoot in that general direction…..)

1.  And the number 1 rule to follow, (And this is personally my favorite rule that I give you out of the kindness of my heart) do not wear black thong underwear under light khaki shorts in a water fight. This one is a very bad idea unless you would like to forever carry the nick name “Thong Girl” and have it hollered out to you loudly every time you ride up in the back of a truck for visitin’.  However, if you do gain the honor of this nick name know that you can also by-pass rule number 6, cuz there will always be a beer waiting for “Thong Girl”.

*I never said they weren’t bubba’s rules.

**Originally published last year but I’m too busy gettin’ ready to come up with anything new……

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