Nope, I’ve been back here on planet Joy.  Feet firmly planted in the reality that is my daily life.  I bet many of you were thinking I’d totally abandoned you.  And in a way I did.  Sorry, I’m an honest gal.  I love you all but…. Ya know…. You folks read what I rant but you don’t cook my dinners, vacuum my house, and wipe my kids butt.  (And if you wanted to come do all of the above I would let you… I could even maybe pay you… Do Peanut M&M’s count as currency in the real world outside of my casa?)  When you write a blog like mine there are so many times that life just gets in the way and you just have to put the unicorn readers (mythical creatures I believe in) on a shelf somewhere in your mind and focus on other things.  Life’s been traveling at a whirl wind pace for me and my family the last couple months and its been hard to even catch my breath let alone catch a break to write.  I wake up at the butt crack of dawn with a post idea in my head but then real life hits me and I hit the ground running hoping to catch up.

That’s why I’ve decided the best way to sum up whats been happening since mid June, which was the last time I visited your heads, is in bullet points!  YAY! I can almost feel your excitement traveling through the internets my directions! WHeee!   Don’t cha’ just love bullet points?  They read almost as fast as my brain and feet have been carrying me so hop on!

But don’t worry, I won’t leave you just to a few bullet points to lull over.  I’ve never been accused of being short winded and I have a lot to say about each point and I hope to expand on each of them in the coming days.  So think of each point as not a quick way for me to get back into your good graces and into your daily list of those blogs you can’t live without reading everyday (OK, I lie, please feel free to think of it like that if you want) but as a way to give you exciting trailers.  Like in an upcoming block buster movie. (Because you know my life is THAT exciting!)

• Still trying to sell our house.  Sigh.     Constant cleaning…. Keeping things “show ready”… At all times… With a 2 YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE!!   Everyday I look at the mess my little tornado baby makes and sigh the sigh of a thousand house fraus, but with an underlying tone of a whimper, because I know there is no way I can just leave that mess till the next day.  Because if I do, that will be when we get the call to show our house. And that will be the call that says, we’re only 30 minutes away… Is that OK?  Snarl, grrr, @%&&$##@…. POOP!   Sure! I say with my most chipper voice.  As I run around like a chicken with my head cut off tossing things into any available hidy hole, where they won’t leave an obvious lump, and where I’ll be guaranteed to forget later and never be able to find them again.  Still can’t find a few really important pieces of mail… so if you didn’t get paid yet its because your bill is sitting somewhere in some cabinet or drawer or box or toy bin… or possibly under the couch cushion.  When I find it I promise I’ll take care of it.
• Still potty training.  Sigh.      I have come to the conclusion that pull-ups are useless and only are diapers that are more complicated to use and more expensive.  I can’t see what lesson they are supposed to teach. They are too thick for my daughter to actually “pull up” on her own.  They are almost impossible for me to pull up on her even.  You NEVER want to pull a really dirty one off, lest you smoosh unmentionable all down your child’s legs…. URP!  So you end up opening it like a diaper anyways, teaching your kid that even though they are supposed to pee sitting upright your obsessive mom will still lay you down to wipe your butt.  I’m currently in between rounds of trying using regular panties but had to stop the first time do to running out of laundry detergent.  Who knew a puddle on the floor could be so comfortable?  And apparently my daughter finds said puddle to be a great addition to her finger paints.  Oh! And I never realized her favorite place to poo was while sitting on the couch watching TV.  Clean up! Isle 9?….. Anyone???  Hello??? Can you hear me????????
• On a brighter note!  (Because they can’t be all messy right?) I was invited by the wonder people at Sea World to take the family to Sea World San Antonio with a great group of Texas Mommy Bloggers called the Wildside!  If you want to read some great tweets from this group search for #wildside or #swsa on Twitter.  I can’t wait to share with you all the fun details on that exciting experience!!!  I won’t ruin it for you but I will say this… My daughter can’t stop saying Shamu!  Comes out more like “Shmoo” but it tickles my heart each time just the same!
• While everyone who’s anyone in the bloggosphere, not really but its fun to say, were at BlogHer 2010 this weekend I was fighting it out on a blistering hot tennis court in Dallas!  Remember a while back I said my woman’s team was going to state to battle for a trip to Nationals!?! Well, we battled and we went all the way to the finals only to lose to another really great team.  Technically you can say our team is the number 2 ranked woman’s tennis team in the state of Texas! We played 5 matches in 3 days.  We only had the minimum amount of players we needed, which was 8, which meant everyone had to play each round so it was exhausting! But it was an amazing experience!  I can’t wait to share more on that one later….  As a teaser I’ll just say, when you get that many competitive woman in one spot, all vying for the same shot to go to Nationals, you can only imagine the fireworks. Can you say drama anyone?
• We got our garage door fixed!!! YAY!  My daughter won’t let us leave the driveway or go into the house without closing the door so she can watch.  She will stop dead in her tracks or scream from the back seat. “Ka-lose it!”  But whats funny is that even though she knows its coming she will still startle and jump when the little motor starts running.  Tis cute!
• Hmmmm… What else?  Its hot as a broken oven in nuclear mode here in central Texas… I’m a hormonal nightmare right now because I ran out of my birth control pills and decided to go off them till my oh so fun gyno appointment in a week since where I’ll be changing them anyway.  Hated them…  So now I’m avoiding my husband.  Can’t tell which is better sometimes…   Debating trying the panty potty training again but hesitating because of the mess.  I just know she will poop on the rug at the same time a realtor will call from my driveway saying “We were just driving by… do you mind?” &$%^*%!!  I have about a thousand photos to process and look at from the last few bullet points and have been avoiding them due to lack of interest and lack of time for sitting in one spot that long.  Besides, its difficult to look at a photo when your kid is jumping on your laptop.  Really…difficult.
• Sigh

So there you have it folks.  My last two months in bullet points. Add to that the constant laundry, the trips to the grocery store, the pool, the library, this direction, that direction, up, down, left, right. All the while melting in the heat.  I’m one step away from that woman in the old Calgon commercials (click link to go back in time!!) except the idea of a hot bath tub is revolting at this point…. “Take me away…”

Funny, the only thing I’m nervous about today, besides my friend going through a major surgery of course (did you think I was that uncaring) is that I’m hoping all the new baby smell doesn’t wear off on me and jump start my hormones.  Cuz you know it can do that.  One sniff of a new babies bald head and suddenly you find yourself 70 pounds heavier, well I do at least, eating grapes like they are your life blood, and praying the blessed event could hurry up so you can pee normally again.  And then there is this…  Cute, adorable, little sweet smelling babies turn into TODDLERS!  The little hell beasts that were put into our care by Mother Nature who apparently has a very dry sense of humor.  These things move so fast and can leave a wake of destruction behind so quickly that you start wondering if it might be better to just leave everything they tossed around all in its place on the floor. It’s going to end up there anyways.  And the NOISES these creatures can make!!! Ever heard a pissed off banshie mixed with a howling hound dog?  Anything can and will set them off and once they start you’d better have their favorite foods/books/blankies ready or your in for a concert of screaming that will leave you praying for earplugs and a really large glass of wine.  A beautiful glass of shear relaxation bliss… that you won’t be able to drink because they are moving too fast for you to catch them.  And if you do happen to snag one on the run they turn to Jello in your arms and slither away continuing to leave a path of destruction behind that an F5 tornado would be proud of.   AND… Deep breath in, deep breath out… Yep, that’s what I need to keep remember as I feel the maternal rush today.  ”Back demon hormones! BACK!”

That’s what I’m doing today.  How about you?

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We’ve been trying to teach EJ how to use crayons but she hasn’t really mastered the idea that you have to press down on the page to make them write.  Or so we thought….  I think she is just being her usual Tornado Baby self, skipping over this art project, and that art project, until she found the medium she was happy with.  Sadly we discovered her chosen art form tonight.  As parents we weep.

The other day I caught her running around with a pen.  I didn’t know where she got it from but there it was in her little hand like a prized magic wand.  And let me tell you, the atomic baby bomb flipped out when I took it away from her leaving me with THAT “Mom guilt” feeling that I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. You know the one I’m talking about… Where you know you just crushed your babies spirit and you are going to burn in Hell for it eternally even though you may have just saved her from poking her eyes out. Ya, that one.

Little did I know that my guilt wasn’t necessary because of her newly discovered love for drawing.

Such a pretty, pretty little chair. So sweet and charming and, and, WAIT...WTF is THAT????

"And now we are looking at one the earliest works of EJ. Even at a young age she was showing signs of emerging talent." ( CRAPPITY! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! )

What? I'm innocent. Can't you see my halo? I painted that too!

ARRRGGG! Anyone know how to get ink out of fabric? Suggestions are welcomed!

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Life Lesson # 3

Never get into a fight with a tennis skirt if you’re not tall enough to wear it.

“UGG!”

“ARGGG!”

“IT’S GOT MY HEAD!!!”

“WHEW!”
(That’s the leg hole she finally managed to wiggle her head out of.)

The look of pride on her face shows clearly that she feels she “won” her battle.

And then I felt proud too. (heart: thump, thump, thump!)

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This can also be proof of what can happen to a Tornado Baby when you stick them in a warm car, tie them down with a 5 point harness, and drive around a bit.  It can suck the vortex right out of the most active Tornado. Then they just get… floppy.

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“Honey QUICK! I think there’s a hobgoblin in our cabinet!”

“OH! Whew! Honey, it’s not a hobgoblin! It’s only YOUR daughter the Tornado Baby!”

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A year of watching you grow in so many ways.  A year of watching you eat yourself taller and stronger. A year of wondering how a little creature could eat so danged much? A year of wondering how you can be a year old, eat the way you do, and still fit into some 0-3 month articles of clothing?  A year of wishing I had your metabolism.  You are my lovely little skinny minny.  A year of watching how head strong you are and how you always seem to decide when you are ready to do something.  A year of watching how fast you could become Tornado Baby and destroy a basket of laundry.  A year of watching and being surprised when you just stood up and walked or went up an entire flight of steps like you’ve been doing it forever.  A year of watching you fear nothing and a year of me fearing everything.

You are definitely stubborn and determined to do things at your own pace.  In this past year you learned how sit up on your own, at 5 months old, because you got tired of mom and dad always hovering over you.  That was the first sign we had of how much of an independent young lady you are and will become.  In this past year you learned to crawl, at 8 months old, because you got tired of sitting in one place.  (I believe you were wanting to see where the dogs and Daddy went when they left the room.) And then two months later, in this past year at 10 months old, you decided to start walking because you could get where you wanted to faster.  (Usually that involved chasing the dogs or your Daddy)  In this past year, two days ago, 11 months and 28 days old, you decided to go up the stair case just because you were done being a baby and you were ready to become a toddler. A year of watching your personality blossom into an independent happy little girl.

Oh my!  Mommy’s going to cry now!  You’re a toddler!  Where did my little teeny weenie sugar plum honey butt go?  Now you’re a toddler going on teenager, hell bent on eating me out of house and home while I tell you to eat your green beans.  Now you’re a toddler who will find her words in the next year and will tell me endless stories about this and that and the other. Now you’re a toddler who will soon start running at full speed racing the wind and dogs while I beg you to watch where you’re going.  Now you’re a toddler who will find her inner daredevil while I stand by to kiss your boo boos.  While scared of all these things I also look forward to the next year and being the Mommy of a toddler.

With all the future we face together I know I will always be able to be proud of you and you’re blooming personality.  Even when you mess up and take your bumps in life I will always find pride in you and be able to remind you about having pride in yourself. Right now you’re a baby growing into a toddler who still shines full faced smiles as you dive towards me with arms and eyes open wide expecting me to catch you, because you know I always will.  But one day you will be a woman with the world at your fingertips.  And one day you will be a Mommy too and will know exactly how much I love you.

Love, Mommy

She came into the world ready to own it….

And now she does.

As you can see from her wide open and sparkly eyes that even on day 1 she had some very deep thoughts.  Already questioning how tight the boundaries were.

In June I caught this shot of her shooting daggers at me. I do believe I had just told her no, she couldn’t go to the movies with her boyfriend that night. She wasn’t happy.

In July she began to prove to us just how much she was going to scream and hold her breath if we didn’t agree to buy her that Barbie convertible.

And in August her horns started to show.

In September we rejected the idea of the car seat. “What are you talking about woman!  I’m driving!”

“I’m not ordering off the kids menu! And I’m not eating corn dogs! I WANT PANCAKES!”

In December we could see her plotting against Santa if she didn’t get what she wanted in that package.

So as you can see, there was a distinct evolution into the possessed Tornado Baby that we love today. She really is a sweet child that gives her Mommy lots of great moments of parental bliss. But on occasion…when the horns come out… be ready with the vacuum cleaner.

Happy Wordless/full Wednesday everyone!

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This reminded me of how our dogs look at our little EJ. Mostly it’s with disdain because she gets all the attention or because she’s bugging them, but sometimes you catch brief glimpses of superiority.  Oh, just wait my nutty little spastic dogs (Jack Russells), one day EJ will figure out what your tail is for……hdehdehde….wheeeeeeee!

Dog eat Doug

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Need I say more than ToRNaDo BaBy?

Pickles

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Speak for yourself! Here, let me type an essay explaining the evolution of journalism. Click, clack, click, click, space bar, click, click, clickity clack clack clack clack…..

Jump Start

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Picture this. 10 years from now, sitting behind one of the egg shaped hybrid car with dings and rust spots.  Puffing out the reeking smell of burning rubber and electrical wires. Possibly used to be sky blue in color but it’s hard to tell from the years of oxidation. With its entire bubble butt hatch back door covered in peeling bumper stickers.  I can see this one on there.

And yet again we have another edition of Tornado Baby Strikes. (Click HERE for past editions) This time she figured out how to open the cabinet doors.  Of course that next day I installed the handy baby proof latches like a good Mommy should do.  Unfortunately she was watching me, and the first thing she did when she went to open the door and found it difficult, was wiggle her little fingers to the latch.  She hasn’t figured out what to do from there but it’s only a matter of time.  I have faith that I will have to move all my sharp objects and things I don’t want to wash everyday higher or install pad locks on the doors.  And I’m talking combination locks because she will probably learn how to pick the keyed kind by her second birthday.

This picture is where she suddenly realized I was watching her and that she was caught red handed.  You can almost see a little remorse on her face.  Almost…  OK, not really but it’s nice to dream right?  Actually she looks quite perturbed with me because I interrupted her.

And then we go on our merry way of flinging things around and rearranging the big plastic thingys in just the right way.  Making sure to rub them around really well, right where the doggies find it irresistible to lick the taste off the floor.

My guess is that she got tired of watching me watch her so she offered to let me help destroy my own kitchen.  Um, no thanks my little Sugar Pie Honey Butt, I’m gonna pass. But maybe I could persuade you to go play with some toilet paper for a little while?

And in case you were wondering if the SHOE THING was just a bad dream.  Sorry about the quality of the picture but did you think I was going to stick around and take a bunch while my kid was chewing on my shoe.  Ewwwww!

Happy Wordless Wednesday everyone!  Well, almost wordless.  I’ll never succeed at that one.

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