Its been exactly 94 days since my last post… Yet I still consider myself a blogger.  Does writing in my head count?

Its been exactly 2 years, 5 months, 31 days that our house has been for sale with no bites.  Where will I be sitting this time next year?

Its been exactly 2 years, 7 months, and 9 days since I became a mom… Yet I still consider myself a new mommy. Always learning, always teaching, always on duty.

Its been exactly 5 years, 1 month, and 24 days since I became a wife… Yet I still am trying to get used to the ever evolving relationship call marriage.

Its been exactly 35 years, 11 months, and 16 days since I was born… Yet I still haven’t figured out why I’m here.  Whats my purpose? Where am I heading?

Its been 11 months, 30 days and 17 hours since 2009 and I haven’t accomplished any of my resolutions. Is it too late to lose 10 pounds?

Thats a lot to consider with the new year approaching in 6 hours and 41, 40, 39, 38……minutes.

Maybe I should just start drinking now….flash my porch lights on and off at midnight….and quit whining?

***deep breath***

I really have no idea where this post is going.  It’s actually rather similar to my daily life…wake up…start randomly walking from room to room in a frantic pace trying to grasp onto a clear thought of what I need to be doing.  Meanwhile my 2 year old is screaming her desire to be independent at the top of her lungs at the same time she’s whining because I won’t “gimme” “want” “peese” “NO!” help her with EVERYTHING and then go wipe her butt.

***another deep breath***

On a side note since I’m in a mood to bash my family a little.  Do you know how weird it is to watch a grown man meticulously fold up a fruit roll up and stuff it in his cheek like a squirrel or a tobacco chewing redneck on a heath kick. My husband does this and since it’s such a peculiar thing to do I politely asked him one day “what the hell are you doing” “darling what are you doing stuffing the whole fruit roll up in your cheek like a squirrel?”  His reply, so innocently and as if it’s not the craziest thing I’ve seen him do so far in our almost 5 years of marriage, “It lasts longer and I can take little nibbles off it”.

Nibbles? He nibbles?  If I see his pinky pop up when he drinks his next cup of coffee I’m turning him over to the squirrels that torture my dogs to see if they can fix him.

***silence***

Who does that?

How about you all? What’s Labor Day mean to you?

Nope, I’ve been back here on planet Joy.  Feet firmly planted in the reality that is my daily life.  I bet many of you were thinking I’d totally abandoned you.  And in a way I did.  Sorry, I’m an honest gal.  I love you all but…. Ya know…. You folks read what I rant but you don’t cook my dinners, vacuum my house, and wipe my kids butt.  (And if you wanted to come do all of the above I would let you… I could even maybe pay you… Do Peanut M&M’s count as currency in the real world outside of my casa?)  When you write a blog like mine there are so many times that life just gets in the way and you just have to put the unicorn readers (mythical creatures I believe in) on a shelf somewhere in your mind and focus on other things.  Life’s been traveling at a whirl wind pace for me and my family the last couple months and its been hard to even catch my breath let alone catch a break to write.  I wake up at the butt crack of dawn with a post idea in my head but then real life hits me and I hit the ground running hoping to catch up.

That’s why I’ve decided the best way to sum up whats been happening since mid June, which was the last time I visited your heads, is in bullet points!  YAY! I can almost feel your excitement traveling through the internets my directions! WHeee!   Don’t cha’ just love bullet points?  They read almost as fast as my brain and feet have been carrying me so hop on!

But don’t worry, I won’t leave you just to a few bullet points to lull over.  I’ve never been accused of being short winded and I have a lot to say about each point and I hope to expand on each of them in the coming days.  So think of each point as not a quick way for me to get back into your good graces and into your daily list of those blogs you can’t live without reading everyday (OK, I lie, please feel free to think of it like that if you want) but as a way to give you exciting trailers.  Like in an upcoming block buster movie. (Because you know my life is THAT exciting!)

• Still trying to sell our house.  Sigh.     Constant cleaning…. Keeping things “show ready”… At all times… With a 2 YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE!!   Everyday I look at the mess my little tornado baby makes and sigh the sigh of a thousand house fraus, but with an underlying tone of a whimper, because I know there is no way I can just leave that mess till the next day.  Because if I do, that will be when we get the call to show our house. And that will be the call that says, we’re only 30 minutes away… Is that OK?  Snarl, grrr, @%&&$##@…. POOP!   Sure! I say with my most chipper voice.  As I run around like a chicken with my head cut off tossing things into any available hidy hole, where they won’t leave an obvious lump, and where I’ll be guaranteed to forget later and never be able to find them again.  Still can’t find a few really important pieces of mail… so if you didn’t get paid yet its because your bill is sitting somewhere in some cabinet or drawer or box or toy bin… or possibly under the couch cushion.  When I find it I promise I’ll take care of it.
• Still potty training.  Sigh.      I have come to the conclusion that pull-ups are useless and only are diapers that are more complicated to use and more expensive.  I can’t see what lesson they are supposed to teach. They are too thick for my daughter to actually “pull up” on her own.  They are almost impossible for me to pull up on her even.  You NEVER want to pull a really dirty one off, lest you smoosh unmentionable all down your child’s legs…. URP!  So you end up opening it like a diaper anyways, teaching your kid that even though they are supposed to pee sitting upright your obsessive mom will still lay you down to wipe your butt.  I’m currently in between rounds of trying using regular panties but had to stop the first time do to running out of laundry detergent.  Who knew a puddle on the floor could be so comfortable?  And apparently my daughter finds said puddle to be a great addition to her finger paints.  Oh! And I never realized her favorite place to poo was while sitting on the couch watching TV.  Clean up! Isle 9?….. Anyone???  Hello??? Can you hear me????????
• On a brighter note!  (Because they can’t be all messy right?) I was invited by the wonder people at Sea World to take the family to Sea World San Antonio with a great group of Texas Mommy Bloggers called the Wildside!  If you want to read some great tweets from this group search for #wildside or #swsa on Twitter.  I can’t wait to share with you all the fun details on that exciting experience!!!  I won’t ruin it for you but I will say this… My daughter can’t stop saying Shamu!  Comes out more like “Shmoo” but it tickles my heart each time just the same!
• While everyone who’s anyone in the bloggosphere, not really but its fun to say, were at BlogHer 2010 this weekend I was fighting it out on a blistering hot tennis court in Dallas!  Remember a while back I said my woman’s team was going to state to battle for a trip to Nationals!?! Well, we battled and we went all the way to the finals only to lose to another really great team.  Technically you can say our team is the number 2 ranked woman’s tennis team in the state of Texas! We played 5 matches in 3 days.  We only had the minimum amount of players we needed, which was 8, which meant everyone had to play each round so it was exhausting! But it was an amazing experience!  I can’t wait to share more on that one later….  As a teaser I’ll just say, when you get that many competitive woman in one spot, all vying for the same shot to go to Nationals, you can only imagine the fireworks. Can you say drama anyone?
• We got our garage door fixed!!! YAY!  My daughter won’t let us leave the driveway or go into the house without closing the door so she can watch.  She will stop dead in her tracks or scream from the back seat. “Ka-lose it!”  But whats funny is that even though she knows its coming she will still startle and jump when the little motor starts running.  Tis cute!
• Hmmmm… What else?  Its hot as a broken oven in nuclear mode here in central Texas… I’m a hormonal nightmare right now because I ran out of my birth control pills and decided to go off them till my oh so fun gyno appointment in a week since where I’ll be changing them anyway.  Hated them…  So now I’m avoiding my husband.  Can’t tell which is better sometimes…   Debating trying the panty potty training again but hesitating because of the mess.  I just know she will poop on the rug at the same time a realtor will call from my driveway saying “We were just driving by… do you mind?” &$%^*%!!  I have about a thousand photos to process and look at from the last few bullet points and have been avoiding them due to lack of interest and lack of time for sitting in one spot that long.  Besides, its difficult to look at a photo when your kid is jumping on your laptop.  Really…difficult.
• Sigh

So there you have it folks.  My last two months in bullet points. Add to that the constant laundry, the trips to the grocery store, the pool, the library, this direction, that direction, up, down, left, right. All the while melting in the heat.  I’m one step away from that woman in the old Calgon commercials (click link to go back in time!!) except the idea of a hot bath tub is revolting at this point…. “Take me away…”

She brought me out of my shell and taught me how to live life to its fullest. She would tell me “just go with the flow boo boo.” when I would start worrying about silly things. And to this day I still say that to myself when I get too stressed out about things. She was a walking mellow mood. Nothing would get to her and make her unhappy. At least on the outside she was always shining.

On the inside she was a confused little girl. Trapped in her own life. From growing up under hostel circumstances. Surviving in house that was not a home with people who would rather use her then love her, her star still shined bright. From being battered by life and those who would take advantage of her giving she was still brighter then a thousand suns. She was her own universe with her own gravitational pull. She could draw you in with her smile and her generous heart. But like all other worldly suns her light, sadly, tragically, eventually burned out.

Her trusting soul, begging for love in too many dangerous places caught up to her. She was strong and powerful on the outside but at her core she was unstable and slowly drained of energy. Until one day her life and shine was extinguished in one quick explosion that has continued to rock the cores of so many souls who loved her and orbited around her.

Many of us, like kids often do when growing up, drifted away. Choosing a life less dramatic but always still there, close enough to feel her heat if she allowed us. But she never took advantage of the safety that we offered her. And too many of us never took her by the hand and tugged her in the right direction.

In hindsight could we have saved her from herself? I doubt it. I believe that some people are meant to only be a physical part of our world for the time it takes to make their impact and teach those who need teaching. Will I always wonder if I could have done more? Yes. Will I always regret not doing more? Yes. Will I let it eat me up inside? No. Because there will always be her beautiful voice in my head telling me to “Go with the flow boo boo.”

She was a bright shiny star that burned brightly for everyone to share. She allowed us to see the beauty of our surroundings. To open our hearts and take notice of the little things that matter. To open our arms and embrace life at its fullest. Her light is now dark but the memory of it and the warmth she shared with the world will linger forever.

This morning I talked to another old friend I grew up with. Like many of us over the years he had some questions about the questionable death of a person who was very dear to all of us all. She touched his soul too.

To start we went out for a nice breakfast where there was a play ground for my daughter to disappear into and we could sit in peace.  Then as we were leaving my daughter did the one thing I will never forget this Mother’s day. For the first time she looked at me, unprompted, and said “I uub uu”. (That’s I love you in 2 year old speak) KABOOM! Did you hear that? That was my heart exploding.

Then we headed home, to simply have my hubby turn around and leave again with daughter in tow, to give me some quiet alone time with Lifetime. Ya, I’ll admit it. When I’m feeling all gushy and woman like I tend to see whats happening on the ole’ Lifetime movie channel.  This is also where you can find me when I’m running a fever or have decided that I’m never shaving my legs and armpits again and the man in my life can suck it. There’s nothing like a happy ending to a cheesy murder or mismatched love to make a day either go by faster or slower depending on my mood at the moment.   But today was all gushy, balloons, and pink carnations… and love stories for Mom… Sigh.

After a nice afternoon on the couch I decided to open a bottle of wine, it was technically 5:00 somewhere, and pored myself a massive sized glass, or two… ah hem…or three.  I’m typically a 2 glass and then I’ll start giggling type of chick and I hate showing that giggle side of me.  Too many crazy things have happened in my life, (Dad, look away) some of them including water and nudity, when I have the giggles. But I figured the gravitational pull of my couch was enough to keep me planted and safe, even if I was snickering and snorting at every commercial like a banshie.

By dinner time, which I only halfway helped my husband cook, (somebody had to deal with the whole chicken otherwise it probably would have ended up breaded, fried, stuffed, sauteed, and undercooked.) I was in complete heaven.  Nice dinner, happy daughter (she spent the whole day with daddy which made her glow and will probably result in today being a special kind of hell as she won’t get to see him as much) , and a husband who even did dishes after dinner.  Ahhh.  The only thing missing was a bubble bath but by then I’d had enough to drink I probably would have drowned in the tub.

Today, instead of hung over, I’m feeling rather spry and happy.  And as I sit here writing this my husband is still crashed out asleep.  Poor guy. I think he had a long day. You see, I think Mother’s day isn’t only a day to celebrate moms but to really impress on those in your life that Mothers are a special blend of DNA that create an amazing person. We are genetically designed to be able to carry a multitude of duties throughout the day from scraping day old egg off plates that suddenly appear in the sink to battling unwilling and “OMG what is THAT?…..  Urp…Never mind” kind of stains in the laundry. Cleaning up puke, poop, and pee from everything hairy and hairless living under the roof and making sure everyone is happy and content and well napped even if it means avoiding sleep your self.  Protecting all the family members from themselves and those “Hay, look at me moments!”.  And magically making the boo boos from those moments disappear with a kiss. And don’t forget our ability to bend time and find several hours a day of extra day light for blowing bubbles outside, going down slides, or pushing swings. Making sure all the family members are well fed and the fridge won’t ever run out of milk and cheese. Cooking dinner. Ducking as dinner is shot at you, baby style, with fork sling shots.  Cleaning up the battle grounds after dinner. All to the tune of a small little kiss good night and the knowledge that we get to do it all over again the next day. And we go to bed with a satisfied sigh BECAUSE we do get to do it all again the next day. We are moms and we are multi-taskers. We were born to be torn in so many different directions we make Humpty Dumpty look like a chump. And we pull it all together everyday for the betterment of our families and those we love. And we carry with us the satisfaction that WE did that. I am MOM! Hear me ROAR!

It’s the hardest, dirtiest, smelliest, stickiest, selfless/selfish job on earth.  And I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

But then there are the other days.  The ones where I’m lucky if I feel brave enough to get out of bed. The days where I feel like if I look at my daughter or my husband I’m going to scream. The days where I feel like I could just go completely insane.  Days where I’m bored out of my mind with my life wondering where mine went.  Days where I wake up wishing I had somewhere to go something to do and someone else besides a kid to do it with.  Those are the days where I make up something I need to do.  An errand I need to run just to escape the entrapment I feel in my own home.  When does a home become a prison? When does my own sense of humor and use of it as a denial tactic become more than just a way to deal with my life and becomes more of burden?  I’ve found that here, that’s for sure.  I use my humor as a way to hide what is really going on in my head sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. I loves me some funny!  I wouldn’t promote the funny if I didn’t.  I love giving the world and what few readers I have a snicker for the day.  There’s a pride in that that I will never get tired of and will never stop doing.  If making one person snort coffee out their nose is all I get to accomplish when I wake up then I’ve done my job.  But that doesn’t mean that I’ve let out the primal scream that I feel welling in my heart. It’s still there ready to swallow me. But how do I do that without turning this website into something it’s not?  A place where I complain about rather then celebrate my day to day life.  Where do I, the mom who blogs, vent? Where do you let it all hang out? Sure I can go knock the fuzz of a tennis ball to let off some steam.  Or I can make a few snarky comments on Twitter about the irritating things people do.  But lets face it 140 characters do not a true bitch session make. I know, I know… get a friend. That’s what my husband would tell me.  And I have friends.  With their own problems and own complications of which I choose not to complicate further. And again, when I’m sitting in front of someone I’d much rather make them smile and laugh then frown and look unhappy because I’m unloading all my shadows.

So back to my original question, should I truly open up to you, my bloggy friends?  Mythical unicorns whom I trust are out there but I can never see? Do I take the humor down a notch and bring up the reality? I’m seeing some changes happeing but I’m not sure what they are yet.  I’m not sure how much to unveil myself or how much you want to see. I guess, as all things do, time will tell me where that fine line is between sharing and dumping. And I guess all I can hope for is that you all hang on because it might be a bumpy ride.

For now though lets keep some of the funny shall we?  In all my ponderings I promise I’ll never take that away from you.  How else would I stay Mommy’s Joy? Joy is happy! Even when she’ in a funk.

I’ll find my way… Until then… lets all just eat some cake…

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Love and Kisses!