Why you ask? Why would I miss the days of regretting my size 9 jeans? Because since that time in my life I’ve had two husbands, a baby, and a mortgage. And thats a lot of yo yo’s for a woman’s body to deal with. I now find myself at a comfortable size ** (Like I would tell the world that number! Again, proud card holder in the sisterhood!) and I’m rather happy with myself. Sure I’ve got junk in the trunk, but I’ve earned it! And I’ve got the baby hips to prove it. I’m as healthy as an ox, I still play tennis all the time, and am considered one of the fasted on the court amongst my teammates. I’m not gaining weight, nor losing it, but not trying to lose it either. I’m also looking forward to having another baby and the idea of dieting and trying to slim down, only to pack it back on to feed another succubus, is not an enticing one.

So why am I dieting you ask? Because I have to. Or more like WE have to. Let me be more specific. Because my husband has to diet, I have to diet. YAY fun for me! That’s one of the things they don’t warn you about in the Till Death Do You Part Handbook. Just like how they don’t warn you about walking into the bathroom behind your husband or the man cold. You just have to learn to read the signs and learn to adapt. They don’t tell you that when your husband has to start eating better you will be forced to leave the things out of your diet you like just for the sake of his. Even when those bad things he loves to eat on a regular daily basis, but are not something I eat very often however do enjoy on occasion, have to be cut. He has the sweet tooth in the family. Me? Not so much. But now when I get the hankering for brownies or cookies I can’t just whip up a batch and delve into the happy chocolaty world of indulgence because he might be “forced to eat one” (his words). And that just stinks!

So what do you do when your loved one has to change the way he/she eats? How do you support that endeavor and still be able to enjoy things that you love? Is it selfish to even say that? I know it will only benefit me to eat better. Of course it would. I’m not crazy enough to think that I don’t have to watch what I eat, but we are talking some simple staple items here that I may have to give up? Like white rice!!! I like white rice. I know I can live without it in my weekly meal plan, if that was the only thing that needed to change. But when you start adding together all the things that need to change or be cut then it can be considered a lot. And a lot is no fun at all.

I’ve always found the will power to lose a few pounds when I’ve been unhappy with myself. But how do you find the will to change when you’re actually happy with your body the way it is? That’s the tough one. I would go to the moon and back for my husband and my child, and I will attack this problem with gusto for the sake of my family. I am not selfish and would eat cardboard for every meal if I had to for them. But if I have to do this I will be demanding a little payback in return. Hmmm. But what? When I figure it out I’ll let you know. But for now that doesn’t mean I won’t complain about it to you a little bit. And sneak cookies now and then. And cake.

Damn it!

I’ve have now crossed another Mommy Milestone and, unfortunately for you, I have to share it with everyone! Have you ever watched your child consume massive amounts of sugary substances at a party or gathering and wondered ,with dread, how it would present itself later? Because you know… what goes in…must come out. I have crossed that line. Or more like, my daughter has crossed a line that I believe no parent should ever have to tip toe over.

Not that I’m in the habit of sharing such personal information with you, nor do I ever really want to again, but I can’t resist sharing with you “The End Results!” (Imagine this line being said in a deep, thundering, dramatic voice.) Because “The End Results” had me twisting in agony, and intermittently laughing my head off all while gagging. And “The End Results” had my daughter twisting herself into a pretzil so she could see what was so funny at her other end.

Have I given you enough details yet to make you curious enough to be willing to see what I have to share with you?

Well, hold your proverbal breath ya’ll cuz I’ve got a treat for you!

Apparently when you feed your offspring enough of this…

Then they will eventully give you this…

Yes indeed. My child did shit shamrocks.

Did you really think I’d give you a clear shot of the unfortunate diaper gift? I’m not that cruel.
I mean really, do I need to elaborate further? Are you signifigantly grosed out while simutainiously laughing your asses off? Then you know how I felt. Please also use your imaginations to picture a cute little hiney stained green. Yes, my daughter has a green arse. I know there’s a joke in there somewhere but I just can’t find it. Yep, another Mommy Milestone crossed and another Mommy Milestone that really didn’t need to be turned over. Please, please, please daughter!! Learn to use the potty before you start shitting rainbows! I don’t think I could handle that.

“Oh wow!  Hi keyboard!  Has it really been well over a month since the last time we met?   Yikes?  Do I still have readers?  Does anyone still care if I’m here?  Does it matter?  Ohhhh woes is me… the guilt of not posting….   Wait a minute!!  Who is the blog for anyway?  I write for me!  Don’t I?”

This is what I’m thinking as I open up my lap top.  Sometimes I think the invention of all the other gadgets in my life is causing my blogging life to disappear into the realm of too much global access.  When I started Mommy’s Joy, like all new bloggers, I had the good and bold intentions of writing everyday.  And I did for the most part.  I banged out ideas and stories and posted pictures and blogged till my little heart practically ran out of words.  Then I decided it was time to slow down. Take some time for myself since it seemed like my online personality was taking center stage to my daily life, and my daily life was constantly on hold.  And that’s not a lifestyle that can continue.  Especially with a two year old who has her own opinions about who’s time belongs to who and a husband who insists on wearing clean underwear. “No honey, I didn’t get the laundry done today.  But I did finally finish what I think will be the blog post of the century.  Wanna read it? No? Why not?  Because you’re lost in the sea of dust bunnies floating around the house?”   “EJ!!  Where are you child?  Oh! There you are!  Sorry, I lost you for a minute.  I guess its easy to do when you’re covered in so much dog hair from the couch.  You blend.”

And when you add in the all access inventions of the Iphone and the Ipad which should make blogging easier for most, I found myself lost in all the abilities afforded to me.   When the WordPress app came out the for the Iphone I thought that my days of hiding behind my computer and not getting a thing done were over with. I even posted about it.  I was so proud thinking that I would be able to finally post more since I could do it on the go!  So now where ever I went I could share it with you bing, bang, boom!  And I did.  More than you ever knew, I did.  I started so may new posts and exploited all the in car riding (while hubby drove of course. I promise I never wrote while driving.  Only in my head and I’ll get to that next.), standing in line, waiting at doctors offices, waiting here and there.  Daily life had now met my blogging life head on.  And then thats when daily life thumbed its nose at technology and took over.  Suddenly the periods of time I had to use were just not as long as I needed to actually FINISH a post.  And by the time I got home or to somewhere else where I had a few minutes to write, I was already mentally bogged down with so many other things I just couldn’t find the words.  So many of those posts went unfinished.

Another of my sad blogging woes is how many posts I write in my head.  I could have written the great American novel by now with all the creative thoughts that run through my head while I’m giving my daughter a bath, battling dirty socks into the washer, or changing poopy diapers.  But sadly, by the time I get time to sit down and put all those amazing thoughts into typed word the words have disappeared or have been forgotten.

So what do I do?  I’ve tried to set aside time everyday to sit down with my computer and write.  Write something.  Anything.  But I am not a creature of habit like most. If I say 9:00 will be my blogging time everyday, and that doesn’t happen everyday like clockwork, then I find myself drifting off to other endeavors.  Its also doesn’t help that I have a husband who’s schedule jumps all over the calendar and the clock randomly, so he may just decide he want’s to go do something during my precious blogging time.   So I blame it on him too.  Because I can. So there…

I know by now you all are pretty tired of hearing me whine and bitch about time and having none of it.  Most of you are all parents so I know you’re only rolling you eyes at me thinking buck up sista’.  It only gets worse from here.  So you tell me.  What do I do?  How do I find more time in my day? I only have one child right now. One very active, crazy, opinionated child.  But only one.   I can’t even imagine what it will be like when I have more kids.  So that’s what I want to know.  How in the world do you, parents of multiple children, keep on the blogging train?

And just so you know I’m not full of baloney about a crazy two year old here’s evidence.

Yes, she's sitting in her toy bucket. Yes, she's eating...in her toy bucket. Yes, she's scowling at me because I'm taking a picture of her eating in her toy bucket.

Its been exactly 94 days since my last post… Yet I still consider myself a blogger.  Does writing in my head count?

Its been exactly 2 years, 5 months, 31 days that our house has been for sale with no bites.  Where will I be sitting this time next year?

Its been exactly 2 years, 7 months, and 9 days since I became a mom… Yet I still consider myself a new mommy. Always learning, always teaching, always on duty.

Its been exactly 5 years, 1 month, and 24 days since I became a wife… Yet I still am trying to get used to the ever evolving relationship call marriage.

Its been exactly 35 years, 11 months, and 16 days since I was born… Yet I still haven’t figured out why I’m here.  Whats my purpose? Where am I heading?

Its been 11 months, 30 days and 17 hours since 2009 and I haven’t accomplished any of my resolutions. Is it too late to lose 10 pounds?

Thats a lot to consider with the new year approaching in 6 hours and 41, 40, 39, 38……minutes.

Maybe I should just start drinking now….flash my porch lights on and off at midnight….and quit whining?

***deep breath***

I really have no idea where this post is going.  It’s actually rather similar to my daily life…wake up…start randomly walking from room to room in a frantic pace trying to grasp onto a clear thought of what I need to be doing.  Meanwhile my 2 year old is screaming her desire to be independent at the top of her lungs at the same time she’s whining because I won’t “gimme” “want” “peese” “NO!” help her with EVERYTHING and then go wipe her butt.

***another deep breath***

On a side note since I’m in a mood to bash my family a little.  Do you know how weird it is to watch a grown man meticulously fold up a fruit roll up and stuff it in his cheek like a squirrel or a tobacco chewing redneck on a heath kick. My husband does this and since it’s such a peculiar thing to do I politely asked him one day “what the hell are you doing” “darling what are you doing stuffing the whole fruit roll up in your cheek like a squirrel?”  His reply, so innocently and as if it’s not the craziest thing I’ve seen him do so far in our almost 5 years of marriage, “It lasts longer and I can take little nibbles off it”.

Nibbles? He nibbles?  If I see his pinky pop up when he drinks his next cup of coffee I’m turning him over to the squirrels that torture my dogs to see if they can fix him.

***silence***

Who does that?

When I say that it I know it brings to mind all sorts of crazy times of your youth doesn’t it.  I know it does for me.  Hanging out down by the river as teenagers hoping to not get caught with our smuggled beer. (Sorry Mom and Dad but you had to know I wasn’t always wearing my halo.  But I survived it just fine.) Skinny dipping in downtown Austin in Zilker Park in the middle of the night. (Ok, I was still in my bra and panties… I have my limits and the water was FREEEEZING!) (Again, sorry Dad….Mom, I know you would understand.)  Or hair pinning around corners on Lake Travis with the Sheriffs department lake division on a call to a boating accident with possible drowning.   (At one time I had a lot of friends in the Sheriff’s department and got to go on a lot of ride alongs.  One day I’ll tell you the story about how I almost went into law enforcement.) (Why do all my crazy wild nights have to do with water? I’ll ask my shrink later about that one… Oh wait! I don’t have a shrink. I’ll ask my dog, he’ll know.)

All very crazy times in my life, and this newest episode rates right up there on the crazy scale.  But this one is definitely more befitting my age…. I guess… Is 35 too old to skinny dip?

Last night, while sitting in bed alone (hubby was hiding in his office), I start hearing this odd noise coming from my nightstand.  At first I thought it was just the same noise I’ve always been a little startled by which is the rustling sound of the power cord on my Iphone (which I’m glued to still at night) brushing up against the liner in my trash can.   I know, scary huh.  But this time it happened while I didn’t move.  I start thinking theres a big bug or something on the prowl, so I go on the hunt in my drawers.  I was stirring the drawer with a spoon, cuz I’m not touchin’ a bug, I brought it up for some nighttime yogurt eating. Exciting…I know.  But then I heard the noise in my bottom drawer.  Hence, I start digging in that one.  Nothing.  ???? Then I get the wise idea to remove the drawer completely.  Good idea…but OMG!!!!

There it was!!! The most massive, most disgusting, most beady eyed creature.  And he looked an awful lot like this:

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In my mind he was as big as a cartoon street rat but in reality he was just your typical teeny tiny mouse. Cute by any kids standards.  Creepy and disease laden by adult standards.  BLEH!

And he was lookin’ at me. I had him trapped….Or so I thought.

Because, now I’m starting to wonder if he wasn’t truly the reincarnation of Houdini. Because one minute he’s staring me down and the next… POOF!  Can’t find him anywhere.

So I do what any normal person, and redneck gal, would do.  I go find my cat.  She’s a good cat.  I rescued her when she was very young and I think she replaced me as her momma.  She’s very dedicated to me.  Her only real quirk is if she gets wet she has to come running to me and start yowling till I dry her off. That and her tendency to bring me “gifts”. Her name is Krispie and she prefers to sleep under my neighbors bird feeders so she might grab herself an afternoon snack.  And she’s a great mouser.  So I knew she would save my bacon.

By this time my husband is also sitting in bed watching all this holding his tongue like a good man trying not to say anything while I shove my cat into the open space where my drawer was.  She picked up the scent and I could see she got agitated.  Yay! The hunt was on!

This is where I go back and take the upper drawer out of the cabinet. I set it down and stir it up a bit, with Krispie watching the whole time, and BAM, just like that, there’s the evil critter staring at me. And BAM just like that! My cat snatches her!  Yay!  Good kitty!

Except…. Like all good kitties…. She also likes to play with her dinner. Sigh.

So she LET IT GO!!!

It scurries under our bed and disappears.  Krispie is yowling. I’m crawling around on the floor with a flashlight praying it didn’t go into our box spring.  My husband is barely keeping himself from busting a gut laughing at me….

So what do I do… I start opening his nightstand.  Hubby says, “He couldn’t get in there, its closed up tight. You always had your drawer hanging open.” WHATEVER! We were dealing with Houdini here remember! So I start looking through his drawer and what do I find to my disgusted glee…. Mouse poop! Take that hubby! He violated your drawers too! So I pull out the top drawer… Then pull out the bottom… And again hiding under the drawer was the creepy crawly mouse!

BAM, Krispie strikes, and this time comes up with a winner.  She’s running around the room with it in her mouth.  I’m trying to get her to a least leave our bedroom with it.  And, of course, what does she do?? She lays down…A foot away from it. SIGH!

And yet again…it scurries away.  Into my husbands closet! HAH! Take that you laughing hyena from your bed side perch!  I follow the mouse and my cat in to the closet and close the door.  But not before grabbing an empty cup that I had on the dresser.  Why I grabbed this I will never know… but I’m glad I did.  So here we are in the closet, the mouse is jumping from one shoe to the next (I realize this man of mine has more shoes then I do!! I’ll address that later.). My cat is jumping all over the place.  The mouse is running back and forth scurrying from one hidy hole to the next.  I think it may have run over my foot a few times but I’m trying not to dwell on that idea. I’m stirring up piles of shoes and clothes trying to root out the mouse.  Screaming over and over. “Krispie, GET IT!” I’m still locked in the closet with this wild beast!  I can only imagine what it sounded like to my husband on the outside.  And then suddenly it gets stuck between me and the cat on the floor.  It’s looking back and forth for an exit and that’s when I strike! BAM! Just like that with the cup. I trap him!

WINNER! I caught the mouse! Under a cup!!!  I yell out to my hubby to find a piece of hard paper or cardboard to slip under the cup, and manage to get the nasty rodent to the front door without dropping him, and deposit him outside! YAY!

End Scene.

Krispie missed her dinner but got a bowl of milk as a reward for helping save us from the evil critter. I got to shove all my husbands shoes back in place, in random order of course.  He gets to at least help fix the damage. I go to bed grinning and on a high!  It was a lot of excitement for this housewife.

I caught a mouse in a cup!

Open curtains to this morning:

Krispie has brought me a present.  A dead mouse.

SIGH!

Meet Krispie.  She may have a tendency to drop her dinner but she never gave up. And she gives gifts too.

SIGH! :

I know!!!! You’re shocked!

I woke up this morning with all good intentions to clean my house. See, for a house to sell the seller must be diligent when it comes to upkeep. No one wants to purchase a house that looks like it was owned by two very hairy shedding dogs and a toddler. A VERY messy toddler who’s favorite game is “Toss it”. Toss it here, toss it there, toss it everywhere! Wheee! And then laughs like a hyena when I try to get her to help pick all her toys up. Ha!

So ya, back to cleaning. Simply… I started, hubby came in and interrupted. And now I’m not cleaning. I’m enjoying a nice breakfast out with my family.

(Insert happy sigh here…)

Apparently I’m more apt to be part of the clean plate club then the happy homemakers association.

Hmmm. Who knew?

I wonder if I could teach the dogs how to vacuum? I’ll even let them use the cat as a duster in exchange for a job well done!

Nope, I’ve been back here on planet Joy.  Feet firmly planted in the reality that is my daily life.  I bet many of you were thinking I’d totally abandoned you.  And in a way I did.  Sorry, I’m an honest gal.  I love you all but…. Ya know…. You folks read what I rant but you don’t cook my dinners, vacuum my house, and wipe my kids butt.  (And if you wanted to come do all of the above I would let you… I could even maybe pay you… Do Peanut M&M’s count as currency in the real world outside of my casa?)  When you write a blog like mine there are so many times that life just gets in the way and you just have to put the unicorn readers (mythical creatures I believe in) on a shelf somewhere in your mind and focus on other things.  Life’s been traveling at a whirl wind pace for me and my family the last couple months and its been hard to even catch my breath let alone catch a break to write.  I wake up at the butt crack of dawn with a post idea in my head but then real life hits me and I hit the ground running hoping to catch up.

That’s why I’ve decided the best way to sum up whats been happening since mid June, which was the last time I visited your heads, is in bullet points!  YAY! I can almost feel your excitement traveling through the internets my directions! WHeee!   Don’t cha’ just love bullet points?  They read almost as fast as my brain and feet have been carrying me so hop on!

But don’t worry, I won’t leave you just to a few bullet points to lull over.  I’ve never been accused of being short winded and I have a lot to say about each point and I hope to expand on each of them in the coming days.  So think of each point as not a quick way for me to get back into your good graces and into your daily list of those blogs you can’t live without reading everyday (OK, I lie, please feel free to think of it like that if you want) but as a way to give you exciting trailers.  Like in an upcoming block buster movie. (Because you know my life is THAT exciting!)

• Still trying to sell our house.  Sigh.     Constant cleaning…. Keeping things “show ready”… At all times… With a 2 YEAR OLD IN THE HOUSE!!   Everyday I look at the mess my little tornado baby makes and sigh the sigh of a thousand house fraus, but with an underlying tone of a whimper, because I know there is no way I can just leave that mess till the next day.  Because if I do, that will be when we get the call to show our house. And that will be the call that says, we’re only 30 minutes away… Is that OK?  Snarl, grrr, @%&&$##@…. POOP!   Sure! I say with my most chipper voice.  As I run around like a chicken with my head cut off tossing things into any available hidy hole, where they won’t leave an obvious lump, and where I’ll be guaranteed to forget later and never be able to find them again.  Still can’t find a few really important pieces of mail… so if you didn’t get paid yet its because your bill is sitting somewhere in some cabinet or drawer or box or toy bin… or possibly under the couch cushion.  When I find it I promise I’ll take care of it.
• Still potty training.  Sigh.      I have come to the conclusion that pull-ups are useless and only are diapers that are more complicated to use and more expensive.  I can’t see what lesson they are supposed to teach. They are too thick for my daughter to actually “pull up” on her own.  They are almost impossible for me to pull up on her even.  You NEVER want to pull a really dirty one off, lest you smoosh unmentionable all down your child’s legs…. URP!  So you end up opening it like a diaper anyways, teaching your kid that even though they are supposed to pee sitting upright your obsessive mom will still lay you down to wipe your butt.  I’m currently in between rounds of trying using regular panties but had to stop the first time do to running out of laundry detergent.  Who knew a puddle on the floor could be so comfortable?  And apparently my daughter finds said puddle to be a great addition to her finger paints.  Oh! And I never realized her favorite place to poo was while sitting on the couch watching TV.  Clean up! Isle 9?….. Anyone???  Hello??? Can you hear me????????
• On a brighter note!  (Because they can’t be all messy right?) I was invited by the wonder people at Sea World to take the family to Sea World San Antonio with a great group of Texas Mommy Bloggers called the Wildside!  If you want to read some great tweets from this group search for #wildside or #swsa on Twitter.  I can’t wait to share with you all the fun details on that exciting experience!!!  I won’t ruin it for you but I will say this… My daughter can’t stop saying Shamu!  Comes out more like “Shmoo” but it tickles my heart each time just the same!
• While everyone who’s anyone in the bloggosphere, not really but its fun to say, were at BlogHer 2010 this weekend I was fighting it out on a blistering hot tennis court in Dallas!  Remember a while back I said my woman’s team was going to state to battle for a trip to Nationals!?! Well, we battled and we went all the way to the finals only to lose to another really great team.  Technically you can say our team is the number 2 ranked woman’s tennis team in the state of Texas! We played 5 matches in 3 days.  We only had the minimum amount of players we needed, which was 8, which meant everyone had to play each round so it was exhausting! But it was an amazing experience!  I can’t wait to share more on that one later….  As a teaser I’ll just say, when you get that many competitive woman in one spot, all vying for the same shot to go to Nationals, you can only imagine the fireworks. Can you say drama anyone?
• We got our garage door fixed!!! YAY!  My daughter won’t let us leave the driveway or go into the house without closing the door so she can watch.  She will stop dead in her tracks or scream from the back seat. “Ka-lose it!”  But whats funny is that even though she knows its coming she will still startle and jump when the little motor starts running.  Tis cute!
• Hmmmm… What else?  Its hot as a broken oven in nuclear mode here in central Texas… I’m a hormonal nightmare right now because I ran out of my birth control pills and decided to go off them till my oh so fun gyno appointment in a week since where I’ll be changing them anyway.  Hated them…  So now I’m avoiding my husband.  Can’t tell which is better sometimes…   Debating trying the panty potty training again but hesitating because of the mess.  I just know she will poop on the rug at the same time a realtor will call from my driveway saying “We were just driving by… do you mind?” &$%^*%!!  I have about a thousand photos to process and look at from the last few bullet points and have been avoiding them due to lack of interest and lack of time for sitting in one spot that long.  Besides, its difficult to look at a photo when your kid is jumping on your laptop.  Really…difficult.
• Sigh

So there you have it folks.  My last two months in bullet points. Add to that the constant laundry, the trips to the grocery store, the pool, the library, this direction, that direction, up, down, left, right. All the while melting in the heat.  I’m one step away from that woman in the old Calgon commercials (click link to go back in time!!) except the idea of a hot bath tub is revolting at this point…. “Take me away…”

Please note, this is a copy of the email I received in my inbox this morning.  It is spam!!! Do not open the zip file attached if you have received the same message.  From what I can tell its a phishing scam.

Lets think about something better! CHOCOLATE! Enter my giveaway for a chance to win a Chocbite Gourmet Chocolate Bar. There will be 4 winners and there a tons of ways to enter and win! So go HERE NOW and check it out! And THIS is no scam baby!