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Lost And Found: One Pair Of Pink Panties

I posted this entry this morning since I was too pooped by the time I finished it to edit it.  And, after the last ribbing I got for my spelling errors I wasn’t going to take any chances.  If anyone finds any spelling or punctuation errors in this just know that I meant to leave them in.  No really, I mean it!  I really wanted to misspell that word……

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I want ya’ll all to know that I started this post the “old fashioned” way.  Yep, paper and pen my friends.  Why you ask?  Because when I found myself with 15 minutes to not be a mom or wife, blissfully alone, I didn’t have my trusty computer sidekick with me.  I KNOW!!! The world might just rotate off it’s axis now. All I had was my dusty notebook in my bedside drawer that I used to write all my journal entries in.  So I blew off the dust, discovered that I could still write in cursive, and this is what came from it…

How am I’m feeling today?  Overwhelmed. Lost in the world that is mother and wife.  Like my pink panties suddenly became granny pants. It really hasn’t been a highly stressful day or even busy.  (And I’m not PMS’ing if any of my male readers were wondering) I’m just feeling like a mom who’s forgotten herself.  

I agree with all the self-help books and magazines for moms, in the belief that it’s important for a mother to hang on to the sense of who she was before she took on the care of another human being.  But some days it’s damn near impossible to do anything but think of others.  Good mother’s are the most selfless creatures on this earth.  We are hormonally capable of giving and giving and giving until we drop dead.  I remember telling myself when I was pregnant that I was going to make sure I at least put my makeup on most days of the week.  Not a lot, but the basics.  Maybe even just powder and gloss.  Something to make me feel like…me.  And I did for a little while.  Somehow I managed to make it through what usually is the hardest times for a mom, the first few months, remembering to wash my face, dab on a little makeup, and holy cow, even brush my teeth.  Now I’m lucky if I have time to put on my bra before I move into mommy mode.  It’s not that I’m even that pressed for time.  My little EJ loves to play in the bottom drawer in my bathroom which gives me loads of time to do what I should do.  But I don’t do it because I’m in that mommy mode that makes me forget that I have needs too.  That’s why I still try to preach to myself on certain occasions that I have to get a grip and find a few pieces of myself again.

In a nutshell, today started out normal. Me forgoing makeup, but I DID brush my teeth!!! The Hubs was around today but we needed to stop by his place of work, there was a function happening, to mingle for a bit.  We met a lovely couple there that were expecting their first child in a few months.  We chatted with them for quite a long time before we had to leave.  Exchanged e-mail addys, and went on with our day.  We crashed a few open houses since hopefully we will be in the market as soon as our house sells.  Then we came home.  Played in the yard for a little while with the dogs.  After that I stayed outside with EJ laying in the grass while she crawled all over me.  To end the day we came inside and she took a nap on me while I lounged on the couch and watched some boob toob.  

Sounds like the perfect Sunday right?  So what’s the big deal??? Why do I feel so blue, down in the dumps, and put out? On the outside the day went beautifully, but when I dissect it (because I have to), it’s has all the components of a really blah day. To start…I had to wake up.  I REALLY wanted to sleep in today since Hubs was in charge of EJ this morning. But no…I still felt that “mommy tug”, pulling me out of the dead sleep I was enjoying, to go see her bright smiling face first thing.  (It really is the cutest thing EVER! And I know getting up to see her isn’t exactly a hard thing but it does play into the rest of the day). My brain forced my body out of bed when it wasn’t ready.

The next part of the dissection of the day is when we were at Hub’s work and met that really nice couple. They reminded me too much of what it was like when we were pre-baby and the excitement leading up to the big day.  She was glowing, for real!  It also reminded me about how lonely it can be to be a mommy when you don’t get out of the house much for social stuff.  Errand here, errand there.  Grocery store, target, home.  Occasional tennis (or I’d be postal by now) then home.  And that’s it. My world it small now, just big enough for my family.  This lovely couple, that I know under different circumstances we could be good friends with, happen to live a couple hours away so that ‘s not going to happen.  There’s the kicker of it folks. I really did like her too. :-(

Anyhoo, then we went on to look at houses and found our dream home.  I want you to know that when I say dream house I mean it.  We have been looking at houses for about 6 months now and have only found one other that compares and this one knocked that one of the top rung. It was PERFECT! Location, price, big yard!! Even had a perfect little princess room all ready for our little princess. And it had several little attic hidy spaces that kiddos love to make into little secret play areas.  I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO HIDE IN THAT CRAWL SPACE!!!!!!  The big slap in the face is that it’s so perfect that, by the time our house sells and we can actually get a chance to scoop it up, it will probably be gone.  There’s absolutely no way we can do it before our current house sells.  Ya, depressing!  Six months of looking at houses, only to stay on top of what was on the market and not seriously home searching yet, and we find the winner.  Damn, damn, double damn!! Depressing!

When we came home, silent in the car dreaming about that house, I tried to relax.  I tried to keep dreaming while laying in the yard but my dear EJ was crawling all over me and making it difficult to stay with the image.  Instead it just started hitting me in the face, with every one of her fingers she tried to stick up my nose, how impossible it will probably  be for us to buy her that house and her princess room.  At this point I really needed the Hubs to step in and give me a little mommy break before the cow ran away with my spoon (i.e., my brain exploded with unfulfilled wishes and dreams).  But he was no where to be found.  After several days where he was working from before EJ woke up to after she went to bed, mom and daughter really needed some time apart. I’m not really mad at him and the minute I did locate him and said “your turn” he was ready to go.  But when he said if I would have asked him earlier to take her for  a while he would have, made me lose my cool.  Today, of all days, was the one day where I needed him to read my mind and just take her without me having to ask.  It just topped my day off with black frosting.

So here I am, venting a lot, fuming a little.  Ready for this long, good day to end and ready for my day to day monotonous life to resume. Please don’t mistake what I’m saying, I’m truly not unhappy with anything in my life.  Well, maybe a few small, changeable when I get around to changing them things. But we all have those.  I’m talking about the things that matter.  I really am blessed with my family. It’s just painful sometimes to see how far I can drift away from myself and how difficult it is to swim the distance back into my own skin. Every now and then I just have to get slapped in the face with enough stuff in one day to remind me that I’m still me underneath the mommy exterior and remember that I do still wear pink panties.

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